I am questioning what I should include here in this portion
of my journal and if I should continue my journals in private. I am a writer by
trade and so this can become really boring and not so much fun as you might
start out believing. To me it may consume some of my time, which I am not
willing to give at the moment, but with trial and error I am willing to try. If
you see script in red it will mean I am angry and blue script will mean I am
feeling mellow and black I will keep for general thoughts. So bare with me and
give way to the workings of my mind. As for the proverbs within my pages that
are written in Arabic, I can not take responsibility for them. Yet please do not
assume you can use them, They were created for my use from a very good friend of
mine not to mention they are all copyrighted. I do that with all my life, I
copyright. You would find me quite dull if you lived in my shoes for I am a very
precise woman and like everything in order. Maybe that's
why I fell in love with Hassan my crazy (MadLeb). He is unique to the word
order, he is everything but in order, yet he knows what he wants in life and he
knows what he has to do to get it and I find that the most appealing. What
attracted me to him in the first place, I am not sure except to say, I am in
love with power, and he represents power. Perhaps not in your eyes but I see the
man behind the scene. I see his ability to handle situations and people. Not
just young but old, and of different races. Even with his little outburst of
Lebanese anger, I smile at watching him hold it in tact and see the over all of
the situations. I suppose I assumed being a lawyer and a woman of a few year in
the world I would marry someone with their feet already stable in the ground.
Some career male with a bit of savvy to know the right moves and what to say in
the right situation. Hassan only had one quality that I found able to accept. He was Arabic. I
wanted that Arab man in my life, one with a background similar to mine. One that
could make me dream of my desert heritage and one that could cause my heart to
stir. Not saying I have not met some wonderful and interesting people in all
walks of life...even on IRC. My life on irc...hehe another disaster and yet it
was a fun time of exploring myself. That I will keep for a different Journal
Section. Back to Hassan, that silly boy came into my life assuming he could
control me and me laughing assuming he was so far from the truth it wasn't
funny. So I guess we started out playing with each others minds on IRC. The
thing was I had known of him for a few years and found no interest of even
striking up a conversation with him I like most assumed he was cold, hard, and
very full of himself. I thought he was as much or more of a player than I was.
And being a player I wasn't ready to meet my match yet. Tragedy seems to bring
out the worst in people or perhaps the best in them. A tragedy brought Hassan
and I full turn where we were forced to meet. The following weeks, we talked sharing our grief and
our sorrows, I cried and he cried with me, I revealed secrets hidden inside of
me and he listened without comment, he laughed and made me laugh with him, and
deep in the mist of it all we fell in love. Not with a picture of Mr. or Miss
Universe but with each other sharing their heart to one another. I went from
what I assumed was spite and hate for him to love and compassion. I seen his
tender side, I seen him give in to me over and over. I seen him fight with me
and hold his own not matter the outcome. I felt the power of the boy (no never a
boy), this man come to life. I felt LOVE for the first time truly, deeply, madly
like the song says. I just didn't know where to take it. Hassan knew he knew
from the beginning. He knew when I lied and when I told the truth, he knew when
I was playing with him and when I wasn't. I sit back now and ask him, what would
you have done if I never fell in love, only made you fall. He smiles and says to
me very gently with compassion, If I am hurt by you, and you destroy me and my
whole being, I can only feel good about it for I invited you to do so. I
question his motives, for I am truly a heart breaker. I strive on the count of
hearts I have under my belt so to say. Am I confessing here, no not actually, I
am telling you what LOVE is really about. And for the first time, in all my life
I to feel if I get hurt or if I end up with nothing, I can only say I have been
gifted with this feeling inside my heart that no other can compare to. One that
will forever make me smile when I think of my MadLeb. One that will teach me to
be more compassionate and worthy. Age is of no meaning here, of no importance
what so ever. The coming together of two human beings, in their minds, in their
dreams, and in their hearts is what its all about. I wish for you all to feel
such feelings and smile with me here if you have....for that special person, no
matter where they are now in your life. Dreams! Yes I am
full of dreams I have learned to base my life on dreams, but to also make my
dreams a reality. I dreamed of becoming a lawyer in a family of lawyers that
isn't hard to do, but being the best among them was my goal. To stand on my own
and be the very best in the middle of what I called the very best. It doesn't
matter if there were other law firms or even other lawyers that were more famous
or was paid a higher rate of income. The ideal that I felt I grew up in a very
powerful, influential home with minds so great, was my goal to be the one they
looked toward. well I must say I have reached that goal, not once but on several
occasions. Only to find when I am sitting pretty someone surprises me and knocks
me down and take the realm. That was humorous if you didn't get it then let it
pass for it is beyond me to explain such trivial remarks. I am ending this day
with a final thought, (Jerry Springer) here "If we learn one thing everyday
of our lives we are rich beyond our dreams". Perhaps I will ponder on
Dreams a bit more another day. God Bless
Sunday 20th of February
It's 6am in the morning, I have been sitting here just
working on the pages and trying to finish up. I thought as one last quick
thought I would sit here and give a bit of my time. It's Sunday morning, I spent
all last night with my love. We sat home and ate frozen pizza watched a bit of TV
and just talked quietly. Nothing fancy for a Friday night. Then again what is
fancy? I guess it's all in ones taste. My night was complete just with being in
the company of Hassan. I don't need to go out and spend money to entertain
myself. I prefer a quiet night alone with him. The snow came and the
fields around me are all white and beacon me to come out to play, so today a
little later after a couple of hours of sleep, I think I will saddle up one of
the horses and head out for a ride. I will travel into the fields, where the
snow is deep and no one ventures. It will remind me of the desert, perhaps my
mind will replace the snow for the sand. Perhaps if I stay out long enough and I
get cold enough when I reach home, instead of a house, my mind will carry me to
a tent, where it is warm, yet cool with the smell of fresh baked break and
cheese waits me to eat and quench my thirst with wine. Only to be later bathed
and lie beside my love until sleep comes upon me. Yes, I do dream :) Reality
will be, I love the feel of the snow and of the Arabian Horses back as we tread
through the fields and woods. I feel safe with this animal of the desert. he is
sure footed and strong enough to plow through the snow safely. When I reach
home, there will be a hot fire going, I will strip off my outer clothing to
snuggle up in long johns next to the flames and drink hot chocolate and perhaps
if I am real lucky there will be something good cooking on the stove. I
will have to wait to see Hassan until later, for he will not venture this far
into the country with the snow like it is. He will not want to get out
into the cold and drive. So I will drive this evening back over there to eat my
dinner with him and we will again spend a quiet night alone and together talking
and sharing. Goodness me reality is better than the dream.....sometimes.
Goodnight and God Bless
March 2nd,
Goodness days have come and gone. I am tired this evening and
a bit wary of silly people of irc. Yet they do make me smile. First let me
tell you what has come to my attention, a couple of girls after looking over my
site have compared me to the model Rebecca Romign, not saying I am not
flattered, but my ideal was not to go to the university for 7 years to end up
posing for nude or next to nude pictures. You can check out her site here if you
please, and send me a mail to let me know if you find the resemblance similar
also. http://members.wbs.net/homepages/k/o/t/kotraba/index.html
I would love to hear your comment's. Anyway that is a bit of gossip trivia I
thought I would share with you. Seems girls find fault in everything, and these
girls must be not so good-looking to find in-material topics to discuss. Now for
what is going on with me in general. I am getting ready for another season of
horses and some traveling into Lebanon with Hassan. His younger brother is
getting ready to graduate in May so Hassan's family will be coming to the US
again. That always counts for nerves, do they like me will they approve of me,
questions and questions. I don't know why I worry so much they have already
given their approval last year when they came into Michigan to meet my mother.
But, you know the little ins and out's of a relationship especially when
you come from so far apart. I shall overcome. We plan to be in Lebanon for a few
weeks and by the end of the season we will be going to Australia with
^lil^Angel, she qualified and will be the USA's youngest vaulter. If you don't
know what vaulting is its acrobats on horseback. A kind of stunt work. Since my
mother is not to well right now I will be her coach, and trainer so onward I
must travel to Aussy for a 3 month stay. Will that keep us off IRC, nawwww you
know laptop computers. The fortunes of modern times. I love this stuff really truly
I do. I have been feeling a bit dizzy these past few days, don't know quite what
it is but hopefully nothing of importance. Hassan and I had a bit of fun on the internet
a couple of times that new chat channels he has are coming along great, and if
any of you wish to chat and you see me there just jump in. Well I will call it a
night for now, sleep is about to overtake me. I will be here another day with
much more to say. God Bless.
August 12,2000
Oh my goodness it has been ages since I have found the time
to put anything on here. I feel bad for any of you that have looked forward to
any changes herein. Never the less I must confess I have been to busy working to
think of IRC or the homepage. I have been doing some traveling as of late. I was
looking forward to the summer months but now that they are here. I can't seem to
find the time to really enjoy them. I have been doing a bit of writing on the
side in the wee hours of the morning from time to time. When I get the work
right I will publish it on the web. I have to get time to copyright it first. A
few new poems and a couple of chapters into a new novel. I am looking forward to
adding that section to the pages here. As for what is to update you in my
personal life with Hassan. We are doing well and communicating now with
each on a daily basis. He is back in Oklahoma doing or planning to do his
masters in Management Information Systems. I am stuck in Michigan a 1000 miles
away wishing I was there with him. As always we had our first big fight well not
our first more like our 10th. They get steamy and hot and lots of sparks fly in
tempers which we both seem to have. Then as always I give in to him being the
dutiful female and wife. I say wife because we are more husband and wife than
most would be. There is very little that goes on that we do not share. Secrets
of the Internet.....little romances that spring up...even a joke or a flirtatious
line or two. I think when people truly love each other they do share all. After
spending a year together, being apart is so very hard. The alternative was to go
back to long hours on the phone and quick weekend trips back and forth to spend
time with each other. Through it all, I can say it's working. We are the
survivors. I will be traveling to Australia this Fall and work with my
niece as she enters the Olympics. Wish her luck and me also as her coach. Lets
see to conclude I will let you in on a little secret. We (Hassan and I ) are
going to have our first child in the next year. I am hoping for a boy, Hassan is
hoping for a girl. Do you have any suggestions for names. If so send me an
e-mail. I am looking for something different, not your typical Arabic name.
Thanks for the ear. Goodnight and God Bless
September 15th, 2001
I must say that over a year of being silent so many have
spoken out on my site. I must thank you, all of you for your comments good and
bad. I have dared to allow the remarks to stay, even when I at my fiancé's
request was asked to remove them. I am a believer of freedom of
speech. So enjoy yourself as you leave your mark upon my tabloids. To update you
on what is about me. I am doing well and with the devastation that has taken
place here on my home grounds, I can only say that I am feeling sad and pity for
the ones that have done this. I don't feel as some that they made a name for
themselves in the book of glory only in the books of history. I know
there is no heaven or peace in afterlife for them, the sad part is that they are
not here to see how little they have accomplished. They are not the worst his
history for mass murder, nor will they be the last. Their effects shocked the
world, but did not defeat America as they wanted, now the enemy is running like
scared rabbits, hiding not wanting to stand up for their dead and take fame in
their destruction. They, whom ever it is are keeping quiet and silent, for they
are cowards. It is not turning out as it was suppose to, it is not taking on the
form of destruction and downfall as it was meant to be. Contrary it is making
the American people strong and so the deaths are nothing more than a tragedy on
all sides. Now I fear and think of global war, what it will entail and what
shall become of the innocent people on both sides of the continent that
does not want nor have a say so in this matter. I am feeling loss, and
love for both my lands and the new land of Lebanon that has become my home. I
pray that my love is able to come to my side or I to his so that when the decision
is made we are together side by side fighting for the right to live. My
heart is with his family as I know their heart is with me. My New York
Offices are only a few short blocks away from the debris left from the World
Trading Center Towers. I have friends that are there and I am worried
about their lives, many I can not get a hold of so I am sitting idle waiting on
answers hoping to hear a voice or get an e-mail from them. God is watching
over this and in the end only God can justify it. GOD BLESS and
PEACE
October 12th, 2001
A month has come and gone and here I have returned to enter
my thoughts. Such a surprise that I would return so soon. My mind is always
filled with thoughts, yet to write them upon a page for all to view I must
ponder what to say. As a journal is not a daily diary it is still a record of my
minds events. As we all know America is at war and I am wary that the worst is
yet to come. When I mentioned global war I truly believe that it is upon our
door step. I am worried every day at what will take place. Not tomorrow or
even in a week from now but in the long term. What will happen to mankind and
his outcome. I did was to thank some of you for the wonderful e-mails I
got, I was so grateful for them. Just hearing from you and knowing that all is
well or that you cared enough to ask about me made me feel so thankful that I
had such great friends. We have met people in all walks of life and some have
left a their mark on us more than others. The internet was a wonderful way to
bring together people that could not meet otherwise. To you friends that I no
longer talk to on the chat channel, I still enjoy the correspondence I have with
you through the e-mail system. Winter is coming upon me fast, the green has
faded from the trees and the fields are growing brown, yet vivid reds, yellows
and oranges are appearing before me. I am doing a lot of riding (horseback
riding) through the woods and trails right now. It seems the most beautiful time
of year. Not to hot, not cold, no bugs, just luscious breezes and beauty around
me. I am lonely these days, for Hassan is not close to me. You never know
how sad life is until someone you love is so far from you. I remember doing the
fall rides with him, and then the winter snowmobiles, and the long walks and the
snowball fights and I crave for the return of those days. Just sitting
around the fire watching a movie, or cooking dinner for him, or making him
listen to my lectures that I prepare for court (which he hated to hear) had a
way of filling the days. I couldn't wait to get home from work just to be near
him, now it seems that the miles and times have put us back to the beginning.
Can we withstand time and distance and have love endure. I hope so, I think so,
I want to believe it will. I would like to think that my feelings of love
is more powerful than any other love that existed, yet I fear that my feelings
have been tested before and I am just one of many that have found this unique
edge. I am here, waiting, loving and wishing for the return of my man so
we can pick up where we left off. Goodnight and God Bless.
Alexa
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